Louise

Hi guys. I need help with adding similes and full-stops. Please help me. Cave Story As I stumble up the 100,000, year old mountain. The rock begins to crumble under my feet. The car size boulders get smaller and smaller. My muscles burn as the sweet, silk sun falls down and the cold, white moon jumps up. CRASH! I stumbled back in fear “HELP, HELP” cried a voice. HELP, HELP it yelled again. I heard a click as I turned my stiff neck. I peered to my left and squinted at a cave. The cave was full of glow-worms and water. The glow-worms lit up the cave like a Christmas tree. “HELP, HELP” the voice stammered. “Where are you?” I ordered, “I’m on the left side, I think” the weak voice replied. “Ok I will come to you” I replied then we got out of the cave. In silence, we steered at each other for a minute. Then I broke the silence and laughed.

Maybe you could add laughed like a Hinayana at the end of your story. You could add a full-stop a full-stop after i replied. I like how you put different words then, then or when.

Some excellent advice, well done. You made sure you helped Louise with each of her points that she asked for help with. Miss Park